Parenting a Child with ADHD

What is ADHD?

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, is a lifelong neurological condition that effects the ability to control emotions, attention, behaviour and general activity. If you’re reading this you’ve probably noticed your child having challenges with their attention and or behaviours to some degree. You may have even been through the assessment process and your child has been diagnosed with ADHD.

We know that symptoms of ADHD can be a challenge for the child but this can also bring about challenges for you as their parent as well. Knowing how to manage your child’s symptoms, implement discipline, promote their independence and boost their confidence all at the same time can all seem a bit beyond our capabilities at times. This article will hopefully provide you with some practical strategies to assist you in supporting your neurodiverse child.

 Parenting strategies

Research

You’ve probably read a lot of information online and might be overwhelmed with all the information that’s out there. Remember not all of it will be relevant to your child. Observing and understanding your child will help you to filter through the load of information and guide your parenting to match the symptoms and challenges your child has. Make sure the information you’re reading is from reputable sources.

One of the hot topics among parents of children with ADHD is the use of stimulant medication- to medicate or not to medicate my child? Research actually tells us it is the combination of medication and therapy supports that have the most benefit in managing ADHD symptoms. Definitely have a chat to your health care providers for any concerns and queries regarding medication.

Lets not forget that your child may also have some helpful information about their ADHD. Talk with your child. They may have some insight in to how their ADHD feels for them which may help you to further understand how to help them.

 Be the Team Leader

Your child may require additional support from all the people who are involved in their care. It might be useful for you to share the diagnosis and challenges observed with your child’s team- the people who are looking after your child such as friends and family so they can learn how to best support your child also.

Part of the team also includes their school and likely a therapy team. Telling your school and talking to your child’s teachers about whether or not your child might need an Individual Education Plan (IEP) and that they may need to implement ‘brain breaks’ for academic support.

To help you and your child learn strategies to understand and manage their ADHD at home and at school, it can be useful to build a therapy team which might include psychologists, occupational therapists and speech pathologists as well as your paediatrician and treating doctor. It will be useful to ensure your therapy team have experience in working with people with ADHD and are a good fit for you and your child. It is very ok to shop around and find a team who is suitable for you who will meet you and your child’s needs.

Independence

While ADHD may require your child to need some more help with daily tasks than others, we can still support them to build their independence and achieve tasks for themselves. They may be forgetful, easily distracted, lose things, be messy and unorganised, need to move about or not be able to follow lengthy instructions but here’s how we can support their independence.

·       Give clear and specific instructions. It might be only one instruction at a time that they can hold on to (before they’re distracted or forget). Try including one more instruction every so often to see if they can hold on that to build to two instructions at a time and so on, only moving on to 3 instructions if they can handle 2 instructions consistently.

·       Use “first” and “then” language to support transitions (ie “first we will do homework, and then we can watch tv”).

·       Do things with your child not for your child. Just because your child may struggle to do things or take a while longer to do things it doesn’t mean they can’t or can’t learn. You might need to do things with your child and show them how (even a few times) or keep them on task.

·       Break down tasks. Some tasks seem overwhelming to complete, especially some homework tasks. Break down the task in to manageable chunks for them. For example if it’s homework, get them to rule up their page, then put their name at the top, then help them slow down and work on one question at a time rather than looking at the entire page with a lot of words on it. We want to make tasks manageable and achievable.

·       Prompt your child to think about what they might need, ie packing school bag. When we do tasks for our children, even in the name of helping, they lose the opportunity to learn and develop skills and think for themselves.

·       Have designated places for things so they know where to look when they want or need something. So it will always be helpful to encourage your child to put some thing away (to know where to find it) not down (right here out of convenience and not remember where “here” is. “First go put your shoes in the shoe box and then you can … (insert more interesting activity here)”. You will need to show your child where the designated spots are.

·       Use the tools and strategies your therapy team teach you aswell. If you’re not sure how to implement them or you think particular strategies might not be working- be sure to let them know.

·       Timing- where possible you want to give your child more than adequate time to complete tasks so they’re not under any time pressure that may lead to overwhelm and trigger anxious meltdowns.

·       Praise your child when they’ve not only mastered a new skill but also praise effort for trying even if they’ve fallen short.

Self Esteem

Kids with ADHD can often feel like they’re ‘not good enough’ or that they’re ‘bad’ for getting in to trouble all the time. They can’t help it and its not their fault (or your fault) that their brains are wired how they are. We want to build up their understanding of how they work and what is easy and hard for them and how they feel about having ADHD. Regardless of achievement (or lack of) we want to support their relationships, with themselves, their peers and especially with us as parents. Aswell as the tips above, here are some more strategies to keep in mind to build your childs self esteem.

·       Talk to your child about their ADHD, they may have questions. You don’t have to know all the answers but you can still support them with what they’re thinking and feeling while you do some research or ask your therapy team together about whats on their mind.

·       Focus on your childs strengths and interests- as part of having ADHD (and being human), they’re likely to have a deep interest in something, even if that something keeps changing. Use it as a conversational point, or weave the interest in to building other skills. (If they’re a young one practicing handwriting- who says they can’t write about dinosaurs or unicorns). Usually we do better at things we are interested in and we want to praise and encourage success where we can. (You don’t have to be interested in dinosaurs or whatever their interest is but I’m sure you’re interested in your child). If they’re ever feeling down about falling short in places you can always remind them of their successes in their interests.

·       Teach your child that its ok with or without ADHD to ask for help. Remind them that everyone needs help from time to time and its perfectly reasonable to ask for it. If they have an understanding of themselves and what kind of help they need it may be easier to ask for (ie more time; clearer instruction etc). You can teach them to say “I don’t understand what you said”, or “I don’t know what I need to do” or “I forgot what comes next”, or “I forgot how to do this”.

·       We want to set our kids up for success. This might be picking your timing when you’re asking something of them. Your child is more likely to be responsive or successful when they aren’t tired, or hungry or just come off the back of a long day at school or other lengthy or challenging task. We want to give them brain and body breaks as they go as well. We need give them both structured and unstructured movement and rest breaks so they can regather themselves to focus on what they need to do.

·       Give both you and your child time to recover from meltdowns. Meltdowns are exhausting for the child and for you. They can’t help their meltdown and this isn’t a time to be negotiating with them but rather supporting them to ride it out. Come back another time to discuss what you need to when they’re regulated.

·       Set aside time purposely for quality time- each day or as often as you can. It might only be 15mins a day. It might be having breakfast together; or preparing food together, or joining in with them during their activity of interest. Doesn’t have to be anything long and extravagant that breaks the bank.

·       Patience with trial and error for what some of these strategies look like for you and your child.

·       When we need to correct or redirect behaviour or when learning skills- we really want to “connect before direct”. Connect with the emotion your child might be feeling rather than the behaviour they’re displaying. Connecting on the emotional level will help them feel heard and validated and then they might be more able to hear, understand, accept or adhere to your following correction or redirection. Rewards for helpful and appropriate behaviour will be more helpful than punishment for undesired behaviour.

Be kind to yourself- with all of the above in mind, if you feel like you’re struggling to keep up, remind yourself you are human and you’re not expected to be able to do it all, all of the time (and neither is your ADHD’er).

Because you’re human, it can be time consuming, frustrating and exhausting parenting a child with ADHD, so its important you look after yourself aswell. It can be helpful to have time just for yourself whether that be resting, catching up with friends or whatever feels good for you. It could also look like accessing more formal support from your GP or psychologist if difficulties in managing your own emotions persists.

Remember, helping yourself will help your child too.